It's going to serve as a fascinating case study: a game that should, by all accounts, appeal to my personal sensibilities - the unapologetic "Milius" vibe - yet ultimately falls flat as a brown, boring mess of repetitive mechanics.
In a world where review scores are becoming increasingly untethered from a game's actual quality, Conan offers a vital load test of my review structure.
We've all seen it: a review that gives a game a perfect 10/10, only to spend the next thousand words detailing its shortcomings. Dragon Age: The Veilguard is a recent example where a game's themes and politics seem to be influencing its reception more than its gameplay. And we are not talking about little out-of-the-way gaming sites or bot sites.
Conan is a game that would be easy for me to just give a 10 based upon themes alone. A game with everything I love, yet its poor execution and outdated design make it a genuinely bad experience. It's a reminder that a great aesthetic or thematic approach, while valuable, can't save a game from its own mediocrity - a lesson that is perhaps more relevant now than ever.
STORY - 0
The story doesn't even drip out. You are driven forward by violence and a frustrating desire to improve your skills.
OBJECTIVES - 3
There are none other than trying to get better combos in an attempt to make the hacking and slashing more fun. The finishing moves are fun.
IN-GAME ART / DESIGN - 3
It looks more like an OG Xbox game and not one on the 360. The "feel" of a wasteland, intentional or not, works for me.
AUDIO / SOUND - 7
Mike Reagan's soundtrack it excellent. Speech audio is a bit rough but it is great to hear Ron Perlman voicing Conan even if it is awkwardly written.
GAMEPLAY - 1
After recently playing "Captain Blood" and Disney's "Brave" (yes, a button mashing hack and slash) Conan fails to get even close to those levels.
EMOTIONAL IMPACT - 3
It's Conan.
LONGEVITY - 3
Conan's unapologetic bloodlust.
HISTORICAL SIGNIFICANCE - 10
Because the character of Conan is ever-present. Milius' version of Conan is a unicorn that can never be recreated but films continue to be made, comics created, stories read.
X-FACTOR - 8
There are appealing aspects to this game that keep you marching along. Highs like the inclusion of "Frazetta girls," the desolate landscape (perhaps unintentional), brutal attacks, Perlman's voice, etc.
PROMOTIONAL ART / DESIGN - 5
Why no Frazetta on the cover?
43 Overall
DOES MY REVIEW STRUCTURE KEEP ME IN CHECK
It does.
Still though... play this game if you like Conan and John Milius.